Sunday, June 5, 2011

Annoyances

We all have them. Here are a few of mine.

Whenever a news story refers to the federal government as "the government." The federal government is only one among many in America, and it wields very few legitimate powers at that. Terminology of this sort is either grossly inaccurate or intentionally misleading (though I try never to attribute to malice what can be explained as ignorance).

Whenever I barely make it through a yellow light that has just turned red, and I see that a remora has followed me through on some sort of belief that he shares my car's gravitational field.

People who flick cigarette butts out their car windows. Jerks.

People who spit in public, unless they're in the midst of a baseball game.

Any English speaker over the age of 8 who confuses "it's" with "its."

Another round of presidential debates conducted on the intellectual level of a middle schooler -- but which draws rapt attention anyway.

The fact that everyone's worldview closely tracks his personal interests.

Bad movies that earn widespread acclaim.

Good movies that barely break even.

Another silly, superficial book on the New York Times' bestseller list.

Cheaters, especially the ones who justify their cheating. Please don't cloak perfidy with the language of righteousness.

People who take cheaters back. Have some self-respect, for God's sake.

Self-help books.

Prozac, Ritalin, or any other substance designed to blunt the inherent difficulties of the human condition.

People who love swapping stories about vomiting over the weekend.

Another election that misleads everyone into thinking that real change is now upon us.

People who keep dangerous animals as pets but express shock when the pet hurts somebody.

Scientists who rush to the scene of a shark attack to explain that the shark didn't mean it. What difference does it make whether the shark meant it? Do wild animals ever have criminal intent?

Another news story referring to the "danger" of atmospheric CO2 levels, even though those levels are a micro-fraction of what they were during the lush Mesozoic Era (i.e., the dinosaurs).

People glued to their phones when in social settings. Rude.

People who send food back because it is slightly over- or undercooked.

People who can't order simply what appears on the menu.

People who claim to speak a second language but remember only scraps of what they stayed awake long enough to hear in high school.

College graduates who can't name all fifty states or find Chile on a map.

Another law school receiving ABA certification.

"Bono." Enough said.

People who lift far more weight than they are capable of, grunting loudly as a spotter does at least half the work.

People who drive in the passing lane when not attempting to pass anyone.

People who go to church as if dressed for a ballgame.

Clothing with logos splashed across it. If I act as a billboard, I get paid for it.

Enough (for now, at least).

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