I Was Wrong, And Feminism Was Right

Nobody likes to admit mistakes, I least of all.  For too long I have opposed feminism because of my antiquated belief that men and women are fundamentally different and cannot be made equal under any objective criteria.  However, upon serious soul-searching -- largely motivated by criticism from my enlightened peers -- I have taken another look at this issue and concluded that equality between the sexes is not only possible, but imperative.  For example:

• Women now outnumber men in universities by a ratio of almost 60 to 40.  This is intolerable, and our past experience with Title IX should blaze a path here.  Just as men's athletic programs are slashed to create parity between male and female athletes on paper, let us slash the rolls of female students to achieve academic parity here as well.  Destroying the aspirations of male athletes and female students is a paltry consideration next to numerical equality, after all.   

•  "Women and children first."  Not anymore.

• It is well known that women outlive men.  Once again, this is unequal and hence intolerable.  Public policy should immediately be geared toward extending male longevity, and failing that, shortening female lifespans.

• In line with the previous initiative, I have learned that breast cancer receives far more public funding than prostate cancer does, even though the latter is the most common.  This is disproportionate; greater incidences of a given cancer surely require a greater amount of money, so it's high time to re-order our priorities here.

• Only men must register for Selective Service.  Time to get every able-bodied male and female signed up at the age of eighteen, pronto. 

• Women file 70% of divorces (and believe me, they also seek divorces that are later filed by the man), yet they also win custody of children roughly 90% of the time.  Equality demands that this be straightened out right now.  

• Advertising, employment practices, and television programming are heavily tilted in favor of women and designed to accommodate their proclivities and prejudices.  Instead of the saintly female and the idiotic male motifs -- which are everywhere on television and undeniable -- let's have some burlesque portrayals of women in sitcoms and commercials to balance things out.  How about a few storylines showing women who can't parallel park, read a map, stay faithful for more than four years, or do advanced mathematics?  What's good for the gander is good for the goose.

• There is of course the eternal double standard when it comes to marital infidelity.  A man who cheats is a scumbag and deserves only scorn.  A woman who cheats, however, was driven to it by her scumbag husband who didn't do enough to make her "happy," so he's still worthy of scorn.  Here's a radical suggestion: a man or a woman who cheats on a spouse is a scumbag worthy of scorn.  Fixed it for you. 

What's that you say?  All this is horrible and contemptible?  Perhaps you're not as much a fan of equality as you like to think.